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THE ASYLUM

I had been watching them for a while now. They were strange , even for an asylum. I h had a chance to observe them .I wanted to keep my distance though , they were obviously insane a and dangerous. And the more I observed the more it looked like the asylum was built to house the weirdest of cases.

The fat lady, behind the table, for instance, apparently she had been a patient here for the last 30 years now. And in all these 30 years, every morning without exception, she would sit behind the table and start looking at the clock. And every evening, she would get up and go out. She would occasionally scribble and religiously arranged her scribbles into neat piles. Some of these piles were gathering dust , she had built them over the years. No body ever read what she wrote , but she very zealously guarded those piles . She would shout and yell at anyone who approached anywhere near her piles. She looked disapprovingly at anyone who even said hello to her. She just loved to scribble and occasionally shout. Everybody avoided her . They realized she was too insane. I wanted to talk to her , but then I told myself she was insane and it is better to watch only from a distance.

And then there were the guys in the garden. Every evening, they would start running and yelling and pushing each other. They would occasionally even kick each other. Some of them got hurt and even bled. Then there were guys who would watch them run and push and would let out loud cries, whenever someone got hurt. And occasionally, there would be fist fights between two people, as to who pushed who. Then everyone would gather around and join in the fight. Then they would leave swearing. And the next day again, they would start running, yelling and pushing and fighting. No body stopped them or said anything. Obviously they were too insane to listen. I wanted to shout at them , and make them stop hurting each other , but then I told myself they were insane and it is better to watch only from a distance.

Then there was this bespectacled man who had apparently been here for the last 10 years. He looked emaciated and haggard and care worn. His clothes were always disheveled and in bad taste. He was a pity to look at , the poor guy. He was 40 , but looked 60 . He always coughed and couldn’t help shaking all the time and had a wild look in his eye. Every morning , he would come to me , and pretend to take my pulse . He would then ask me how I was feeling and if I would like something. It would have been really funny , if not for the weird smell coming from him . He smelt of stale food and medicines. I would simply cower away from him. He would then smile and repeat the question. By then , I would be gagging from the smell , and I would shake my head. He would then stare at me for a while and then go away. The crazy bastard !! I saw him do this to a few others a couple of times. Poor fellow , thinking something was wrong with everyone else except him!! . People always had a good laugh at him behind his back. I pitied the guy and wanted to tell him that , but then I told myself he was insane and it is better to watch only from a distance.

And of course there was this tough looking guy , who sported a moustache. He was burly and huge , more than 6 ft tall. He wore a cloth cap , and always said his prayers five times a day. And during the other time he would always stand in a corner staring at everyone. Then he would suddenly yell at someone and become silent again. I would sometimes see him in the garden running and yelling when he got tired of standing in the corner. And he was a mean fighter. Everybody was afraid of him. He always had a mean look in his eye. A mean look for everyone , except for another pretty patient. He liked her. With her , he would always be nice and polite . He would hold open the door for her , push forward a chair for her , sometimes even get her flowers from the garden. It was really cute to watch this crazy , burly man around her. He would try to talk to her , but she would be rude to him and say mean things about him , about his cap , about praying five times a day. He would become red in the face , and that’s when he would go into the garden to run and yell . He would get into a fight and come back and continue standing in the corner. And he would have brought flowers for her from the garden. He was so beyond salvage , that no body even mentioned this to him. I wanted to talk to him , but then told myself , he was insane , and that it is better to watch only from a distance.

And the pretty patient, she was really pretty. She was so pretty, that I always felt sorry for her that she was insane. She was nice to everyone and sometimes brought everyone fruit juice. She was also very devout. She would in fact pray more than five times a day. She could always be seen lighting candles before the photos of the gods in the asylum. I was always surprised that they let an insane person handle fire in the asylum , but then I figured , she was a harmless , sweet thing and was just praying. So I guess no harm done. She could always be heard singing bhajans loudly in the evening in the asylum. So far so good . If this is the only that I had seen of her , I wouldn’t have suspected her to be crazy. But for some reason , she hated the mustached guy. Apparently, she had been like that since the first time she had met him 5 years ago when she had joined the asylum. She would be rude to him , not give him fruit juice and said mean things to him ,usually about his prayers and his cloth cap. And then she would go off and start singing loudly again. I always got angry with her , but then told myself she was insane ,. and that it is better I watch only from a distance.

The five would occasionally get together, and start talking in whispers. They would see me observing them , and would huddle closer together and talk .

They were doing so now. I craned forward to listen to them.

“No Mrs. S , I don’t want to look at his file again , really , you can keep it with you”, the bespectacled man was telling the fat lady. She was trying to interest him in one of her scribbles. He sounded exasperated .She said something rude.

“And please Ms. P , could you stop making comments with racial overtones.”, he was telling the pretty patient ,” Discrimination is bad in itself , at least don’t be so mean to a guy who obviously likes you.” .

“And Mr. T , cant you see she doesn’t like you , just stop bothering her , and those football games are becoming way too violent “, he was telling the mustached guy.

“And I guess we should now take a look at our star patient ”, he said coughing.

“What was his problem again Dr.D ?”, Mr.T asked.

“He thinks insanity is contagious”, he said smiling and they all started moving towards my cell.

I cowered back in my cell. They were coming for me. I didn’t want them near me. They were obviously insane and could pass it on to me.

-

THE SEGMENTATION

“The Store: Customized Solutions” , the bright glow sign board said. It was a very impressive glow sign board. It was huge , 15 by 10 atleast , and glowed all bright red and dark green. I just loved it. And what the board was saying also seemed very intriguing.

I was standing outside of the store that the glow sign board was advertising. It had opened shop very recently. I had heard a lot about it in the news. One of the biggest business houses in the country , was getting into the retailing business. And they were the ones who had come up with this apparently novel format.

I couldn’t wait to walk in. For one , I have a weakness for huge , glowing sign boards , and two I was intrigued by what the board said. So , I walked into the store.

“Welcome Sir” , one of the attendants smiled at me. She was cute.

“Hi”, I said and smiled back . She was really cute.

“How can I help you sir , what are you looking for?” , she asked.

“Yeah …, well am looking for a toothbrush” , I said . Damn , she was cute.

“Right this way sir” ,she said , and led me to the dental care section , where there were whole racks filled with toothbrushes. I guess hundreds of them , in various shapes , sizes and colors and varieties.

I looked through the racks for a second , and picked one up and turned to go.

“Just a second sir”, she said . I was delighted , was she going to ask me out..?

I stopped and smiled at her . And as I waited she beckoned to someone. Another attendant walked up to us , with a laptop computer in his hands.

He nodded to me , and handed the computer over to her. She powered it up , and looked upto me and smiled once again.

“So sir , how old are you?”, she asked.

“uhhhhh…well….” , I was flustered, I hadn’t seen that coming.

She smiled at me , and asked again , “ Are you in the 25-40 years age group?”, she asked.

“Yeah ,” , I said , it was close.

She typed into her computer.

“And what would you say your yearly income would be?”

I was taken aback. “Excuse me , “ , I said .

“Would you say , you are in the 5 – 15 lac income segment ?”, she persisted.

“Yeah”, I said , getting more and more flustered.

“And are you self employed ?”, she asked .

“Yeah” , I said. This was getting now very very weird.

“Are you married , sir?”, she asked.

“Yes..” , I said reluctantly . There go my chances of being asked out , I thought.

“Hmmm..” , she said, noting all of it down. She typed something more , into her computer , and then stared into it for several minutes.

“Hmm..” , she said again after a while.

“The loser segment,” , she said , after a pause , “I have it all figured out now”

“Whattt?” , I asked.

“Nothing sir , ignore that”, she said, “as part of our ongoing efforts to improve customer experience , and provide him with the best of products and services , we have developed a software , which was the result of years of research into consumer behavior . Coupled with psychology and statistics , this is a really powerful software sir. We use it all the time. So allow me to customize a dental solution for you”

I was blown away. Wowww!!! I thought , so much effort , had been put into helping people with taking a decision like buying a toothbrush , and wowww again , she had called it a dental solution , not buying a toothbrush.

“Gooddyy” , I said , “lets hear it” .

“Ok , sir , first of all , I strongly advise , you buy three toothbrushes.” , she said.

“Why” , I asked , “I only need one, I mean , my wife and the kid have brand new ones already, And I can always walk into the store , and buy ano…..”

“But sir ,”, she cut me off , “weren’t you growing up during the war days , which was followed by drought. Come on , you have a scarcity mindset . What if all the toothbrushes in the store , are bought off and we run out of stock , and we don’t have another when you come back next time?”

“ I will go to another store “ , I said confused.

“What if , all the toothbrushes in the town are bought off sir , I mean wouldn’t it be inconvenient for you to drive to another town and buy them. Come on sir , you were brought up during the war , and you are supposed to have a scarcity mindset according to the software . Be true to your self sir , don’t try be somebody else.” , she said.

I was very confused now , but also ashamed , that I was not being myself , as she said.

“ok” , I said , “I will buy three” , and I reached out and picked a couple more identical to the ones that I had picked. They were all the same and all white.

“Sir….. “ , she said , eyeing my toothbrushes

Uh , oh …what had I done now ? What part of my personality was I not living upto this time. ?

“But sir , aren’t you the variety seeking type? I mean , you were bought up during the war , and that put a lot of restrictions on you , now that you are earning and self employed , you seek to express yourself and your freedom in a variety of ways . They are usually small as you don’t want to take undue risks , right sir? So why pick up all white? Be true to your self sir , don’t try be somebody else” , she said.

Damn , I had done it again , why couldn’t I be true to myself just once.

“ok,” , I said , and picked up a grey and a black colored toothbrush that were identical to the white one except for the colors.

I looked at her expectantly. Did I get it right this time?

She didn’t seem satisfied though. She was distastefully looking at my toothbrushes.

“But sir , now that you are self employed , and earning well and well settled , don’t you seek to show to the world atleast once in a while , that you have arrived , that you are different , don’t you really want to show off to the world , your status? The software says so right here sir . Be true to your self sir , don’t try be somebody else.” , she said.

I was near tears now . How can I keep doing this ? How can I not know myself ? How can I simply continue being someone else.?

I put the white one down and picked a bright orange toothbrush, looking at her expectantly. She frowned and I quickly put that one down and picked a yellow one. She seemed satisfied with this.

“Now sir , how about buying a toothpaste ?”, she asked.

“But I don’t need toothpaste , I have some at home.” , I said and the moment I said it , I regretted it. She frowned. It was going to be clear in a short while that I had betrayed some part of personality again.

“Sirrrrr..”, she said in an exaggerated fashion , my not being true to my own self , really seemed to be pissing her off, “ you are the type who looks for quality , comprehensive solutions. Being bought up during the war , had that effect on you. You are not the type who would simply buy a toothbrush and run out , you are not the type who buys products sir , you buy solutions. Be true to your self sir , don’t try be somebody else.” , she said , and this time she sounded angry.

Shitttt.. I thought ..not again . I was an idiot .

“Ok “, I said determined to make it upto her ,. “I shall buy three cartons of toothpaste , all three in different flavors , and one of them which comes in a bright yellow packing.” There , I had stayed true to my personality this time.

I looked at her for approval . I was so proud of myself.

She merely nodded.

“Sir ,” , she begin again , “ aren’t you going to buy anything for your wife ?“ , she asked.

“But she already has a toothbrush , and I just bought toothpaste too” , I said, almost pleading.

“But sir ,” , she said , “you were brought up during the war. And that has made you a family person. And you are the type , who would always give his wife her due , and respect and cherish her. And not buying anything for her , when you are buying something for yourself , makes you guilty. Isnt that right sir? Be true to your self sir , don’t try be somebody else.”

I was really feeling guilty now .How could I do that to my wife. I did love and cherish her.

“But .” , I said choking with emotion , “she already has a toothbrush.”

“Then how about a diamond ear ring sir? Being the type who is a family guy , you do want good things for her right ? I mean it was the war that made you so. Be true to your self sir , don’t try be somebody else.”, she said.

“Yes yes ..”, I said wiping my tears , “yes , a diamond earring will do.” What a solution. I wanted to hug her. But did not , as I was the family man type.

As I walked out of the store , with three toothbrushes , three cartons of toothpaste ,and a diamond earring , I thanked , the attendant , she had really made me realize my true self. I was never going to try to be somebody else again.